Friday, February 15, 2013

The things that stand out - GBS

It is funny about the things that stand out most to me in my memory of before getting hit with GBS and what I have avoided since getting hit.
Today I realized I haven't eaten a bowl of real shop Ramen since GBS began to tighten its grip on me in May 2009. We were in Hawaii and I ordered an awesome bowl of seafood ramen. As I was chewing I thought something in the Ramen was numbing my tongue and it was hard for me to eat. I could sip the broth but chewing on the squid was hard because I couldn't tell where the food started and where my tongue began. After that we hit a Nestle Bake Shop and got a cookie before going to see Wolverine in theaters. Everything is so vivid, like yesterday. My apprehension and concern but not bringing it up to anyone because I just thought it was my body being a little quirky. Maybe just a minor allergic reaction to something in the Ramen... 
This is really just a random rambling but it had just occured to me today that I haven't had anything like that ramen since getting hit.
Another thing that seems so trifling to avoid is our master bathroom in our apartment. How stupid is it that every time I take a shower in the master bathtub all I can remember is the night before going into the ER and asking my husband to help me shower because my arms were so tired and my legs felt so weak that I needed him to help steady me and wash me. I see that every time I look at that shower and it is like watching the final moments before my life as I knew it began to crumble around me. At least I was able to throw the shower seat out as soon as I felt steady enough once I was able to come home from the neuro-rehab... So now I take showers in the guest bathroom and I look forward to the day we move out of this apartment and I can forget all the memories that this place holds.
I remember working from home one day and my husband was off at work. I stood up from the computer and got to the tiny hallway before my vision slid, my legs buckled and before I knew it I was sliding down the wall and on the ground in a crumpled heap. I remember that every time I pass though that hallway.
And our bed. Maybe if we changed the layout of the bedroom it would help change the feeling but every time I get out of bed, it is like the ghost of that feeling of when I went to get out of bed and my legs could no longer carry me. I remember being in that weak body and struggling to stand and deciding we needed to go to the ER immediately instead of waiting for the MRI results that had been taken that day. I remember my hand on the comforter of the bed and my other hand on the cold bed frame trying to pull myself up.
Is it me wanting to run away from these memories or does it make sense that I want something new and something without memories? A new home. A new bed. A new shower. And a good bowl of Ramen. :)
Maybe it is part of the mourning process for my old life that I'm not really through yet. The anger and frustration as well as the acceptance, it is all just a continuous cycle.
I am ready for a new chapter in a new life.

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